Fear and Loading Lie Meter Refunds

The Fear and Loading technology division has announced the recall and full refund on its digital Gen 1 Lie Meters.

Fear and Loading has announced a full recall of its entire line of Gen 1 Lie Meters and is asking owners to immediately discontinue their use, then carefully follow the instructions below to disarm and safely discard the devices. The units were never designed to survive simultaneous exposure to multiple sources of deceit. The three in use during the July 1 Hoke County Commission meeting brought the problem to our attention after they suffered catastrophic failures.

One Gen 1 Lie Meter overloaded during the opening prayer. A big thank you goes out to the quick-thinking woman who, after the first unit burst into flames, drenched it with the holy water she carries in her purse. Smoke belched from the other two that evening and are currently under the care of an experienced exorcist.

Our team has determined the Gen 1 Lie Meters on site that evening identified so many subjects planning to conveniently “forget” details and honor pinkie swears that the data dump overloaded onboard RAM. The Lie Meter’s no-touch body temperature sensor, eye movement monitor and microphone provide input to an advanced AI algorithm, which compares voice inflection with other factors to detect coverups, deceit, dishonesty and documents in hiding. We’re currently experimenting with a cooling system for the memory or upgrading capacity, although MSRP will reflect any enhancement.  

Fear and Loading remains dedicated to serving residents interested in monitoring the commission. In honor of their dedication, and saintlike patience while officials struggle to find the words “public” and “document” in their dictionaries, we are shipping Gen 1 Lie Metersticks and matching galoshes to every purchaser of the recalled units. We hope it encourages them to continue measuring the volume of twice-monthly deceit shoveled from the podium. Admittedly, the system isn’t as discrete as our svelte electronic versions, but their calibration in centimeters is guaranteed to convince elected officials you’re a tourist wandering deserts of wisdom for 40 days and nights.

Owners of our Gen 1 Lie Meters need to follow these directions carefully to disarm the devices.

Put on gloves and safety glasses.

Keep your finger off the activation button.

Point the unit in a safe direction.

Carefully open the battery compartment and unload any AA cells that remain. Double check and use a flashlight if needed.

Place the batteries away from your immediate work surface.

Recite the rosary three times, then carefully place the unit in a Faraday cage.

Put it in your car trunk or as far away from the steering wheel and console as possible—use a trailer if you have one.

Turn on the stereo and find a disco station. It’s the only noise capable of confusing the firmware.

Drive to the nearest church and obscure your license plate.

Go inside, request full holy water immersion. Seize any opportunity to sneak out and drive home. Our technology division has somehow lost its list of purchasers and serial numbers.

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by this recall and thank all our loyal customers for their continued support. We look forward to bringing you our Gen 2 version soon, and guarantee orders will be filled just as promptly as Hoke County responds to Freedom of Information requests—without all the expensive legal fuss and muss, of course.